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The 'new' and improved' you - the latest model
This week I found myself wondering if in my own faith journey I was 'new' or 'improved'. My journey over the last month truly makes me wonder especially as I study Psalm 31 (ESV).
On Good Friday I left a family gathering in tears of hurt. It hurts when you invest much into the lives of others and what you receive in return is insults of your faith, your lifestyle and your interests. I know my blog post about it only covers one of these insults but, believe me, many were slung that day and it was the least 'controversial' one that I wrote about.
I was broken to the point of wanting to exercise some form of self-hate against my body. In the moment of my blog post I fell, hurt, to my knees asking the question which, from time to time, I stupidly ask, "Why me?" Which is what brings me to Psalm 31.
In some versions of the Bible this Psalm is entitled, 'Into your hands I commit my spirit'. And mate, did my spirit need to be in his hands that day as I was making a royal mess of my face - all blotchy and red from too many tears. And it started from verse one:
In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
in your righteousness deliver me!
You see, now there is 99% of my problem, right there. David said. "In your righteousness deliver me!" Well, there's a problem, he's asking to be delivered from his situation on God's righteousness and not his own! So, I find that I am forcing myself off my high horse and needing to humble myself.
Of course, that is when the hurt comes rolling back in trying to push me up like a boat on high tide. I weight myself down, telling myself that maybe I should just return to life as it was - spending time with family when it 'suited' them was 'of interest' to them and forget about ever doing anything I want to do - like go to the theatre (as in the one that has live acting), listen to an orchestra, or drink hot chocolate and talk philosophy, or better still, thrash out God's Word1. But is this right? I am not sure.
Okay, so moving on in the Psalm it says:
I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.
There is this hymn that I sang at church as a child, that simply went:
"Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice!"
I know from my life journey to date how hard it is to do this but I have made an extra effort from the day of this great hurt to make it a priority. In the words of Bonnie Thomas, 'to raise my countenance' so that I can look up to Him. For if, we cannot rejoice and be glad in what he has done for us then what hope do we have for the circumstances of this world.
God knew the situation that hurt me. In fact, he has always known the struggles that come with a family that is dysfunctional in so many ways. He knew how other toxic words about my lifestyle, my faith and my church distressed my soul that day even though I shrugged them off as we sat on the front deck. Words that cut deeper only because they came from the mouth of someone who just ten years ago confessed Jesus as Lord of her life and, yet, has turned her back. Instead, choosing to live a life of self-conflict through wilfully and actively sinning against Him. Into His hands I commit this Sister whom I love for I know God meets me where I am at now and can do the same for you also. I pray that you will turn your face towards God once more some day, preferably soon.
Next though, is something that was not new but had been a while since haunting me. Many would know of the verse in 1 Corinthians, "do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you?" I thought the days where thoughts of self-harm lurked in my life were gone but perhaps I am wrong. Now they have just lowered the high-jump pole from drastic and dangerous thoughts to stupid emotional ones in the hope of luring me back into that habit. Eating myself stupid would have been exactly that - stupid. So I find myself saying, "Thank you God for not delivering me into the hands of my enemy. I hereby claim my body as the property of the Lord and declare that Satan has no place in the functions of my body, in my sleeping, in my eating, in my drinking, in my thoughts or my deeds. Satan, you are banished. Thank you Lord Jesus."
Finally, he sets our feet in a broad place, a place where we can place our feet sturdily to responds to what is thrown our way with optimal positioning and force. I say again, "Thank you Lord, that you are not just Lord of the past, or of the present, but that we can count on you as you prepare us for what is ahead in our future."
Of course, there is far more to Psalm 31 than this. Take the time to read it and meditate on it for yourself!
So, I sit here wondering if my life is any more 'new' or 'improved' since I committed my life to Him. In many ways, yes, that I have been convicted of aspects of my sinful nature that I have been able to make active change to but in plenty of ways, no, because I am still a sinner and fall oh so short of his glory. Thank you, thank you, for the sacrifice of the shedding of your blood for my sin, Lord, past, present and future. I pray that others would come to know of your great sacrifice too.
1 Which raises a question as to whether such passions are borne of God and whether they should be entertained? If so, then why is there no one in my life to share them with? Please share your thoughts.
i think you take all this stuff a little too seriously. part of actually loving someone is allowing them to be them. if they don't like you, or the things you like to do, or the lifestyle you have chosen, or you theirs, you have no right to judge them. judge not lest ye be judged and what not. you have no right to be offended by someone not wanting to go somewhere with you even if they do leave it to the last minute to let you know. if you knew christ you would know that. if you knew christ you would also not need them around to enjoy for yourself the thing you wanted to see in the first place.
in closing, i would like to apologise for my poor puntuation and the fact that this has nothing to do with me. but then you're the one putting it out there.
thanks
good luck on the journey there
Hi there!
Yes, I put it out there. This post is not about anyone else. really, but myself. As I said at the start, only the righteousness of Christ can deliver me and I cannot deliver myself - I fall far too short.
You are right, it is not my place to judge anyone else. I have judged the sin not the sinner. My family are who they are and I take no action to change that. They have been shaped, like me, by their experiences and it is not my place to judge them for that. On this day, there was active judgement cast not against them but against me, and no, they do not have to agree with my choices, and in fact, are free to disagree, but it would have been appreciated if they were not actively insulted.
Believe me, as previously stated, I am equally shamed in the presence of Christ which is why I remained silent at the time, took the insults on board, and said nothing. When it comes to then, later, being told that they were not interested in going out that it came down to simply being hurt by those that you love - the people you hold dear. (They could have told me any time in the several hours earlier, since we had been together with extended family all day, instead of leaving it until last minute also). Also, please do not mistake hurt for offence - there is a big difference.
I am not God, I am human. I have emotions that reflect both the godly and the ungodly characteristics that I have. Yes, I do not 'need' to have my sisters with me to feel joy in my life. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit and is available to grasp in any circumstance. I was hurt and saddened because my 'love language' is time and my joyous expectation of having that time with them was dashed.
I do find myself filled with concern that you write 'if you knew Christ...' for several reasons:
The first is that no person, upon asking Christ into his life, knows all that the Lord asks us to strive for at the moment of their commitment for it is the Lords perfect timing that has the Spirit convict and challenge us to make changes in our lives.
The second is that, from this, it is assumed that because someone displays their sinful nature that they muse not know Christ. This fails to acknowledge that we all fall short of God's standard. When jumping from one cliff to another, whether you miss edge by one foot or one mile you still fall to your death either way. Just because I may not be the poster child for 'not passing judgement' does not mean that I do not know Christ, just as someone else may not be the poster child for any other sin.
The third and final concern, is that this is suggestive that I do not know Christ. This, in and of itself, is a judgement of me personally which was made twice in this response. (Eye, speck, plank).
The Lord is also my Father. As his child I strive to please Him, not by religious practise, nor legalism, but through a relationship under grace. Being under grace does not mean that I have the right to be a Sunday Christian and do as I like for the rest of the week only to come home the following Sunday to say, 'Sorry Dad'. If one is genuinely sorry then they strive to change that aspect of their lives.
You may believe that I take 'all this stuff' a bit too seriously. I ask you, though, if I do not take my relationship with the Lord seriously, then who is? For it is my responsibility to maintain my relationship with Christ. Responsibility does not end when you say, "Thanks for forgiveness Lord, great concept, I'll see you in heaven!" We are called to be salt and light, to prepare for the harvest and be fishers of men. How can I be salt and light if, through my relationship with Christ, I do not let people see Him through my own weaknesses - like those you have pointed out to me this day?
when did i say that christianity is a concept encompassed by the idea that forgiveness for original sin given by god without my asking and cured by the ancient times torture and death of his adopted human child? That would be a ridiculous reductionist statement.
All i was saying was that peace is in christ (for you at least) and that the actions of those around you cannot affect that peace. I appreciate the concept of you being a dirty sinner that 'misses the mark' on occasion but can you really miss the mark for so long that you post a blog about it? Two?
Was there at no time a moment when instead of thinking how this emotional turbulance might affect your diet or your relationship with christ and just think to yourself, it doesn't really matter, maybe other people think that artistic representations of violent and archaic torturous deaths of decent men is a little off, and maybe they don't want to go.
Maybe you could have offered to skip the bloody violence and go straight to the gelati? Most people like gelati. I think you'll also find that most people prefer to eat gelati without hearing about the bloody yet brilliant death of the savior. It's just a little off.
The rumours are true you know, you should never discuss religion and politics in polite company, unless you're a grown up and aren't gonna cry about what the other person says. Or what artistic spectaculars they do or do not wish to attend.
anyway, it's been swell discussing this and all but i'm sure i have something useful to do
:)
Firstly, I was not suggesting that forgiveness was not granted for sin without asking for it. I was saying that, one could not be expected to be perfect from that moment they sought forgiveness, rather that they are perfected in Christ through the forgiveness, as we are sinful in areas of our lives which our eyes may not have been opened too as yet. We are, after all, still human.
I do not believe that the peace that is within you cannot be disturbed. For our human nature can draw us away from this fruit of the spirit. In many ways, the Lord can use this to compel us to strive to be at the centre of his will. Is your spirit at peace when you see acts of violence against God's people (irrespective of their salvation), is your spirit at rest when people are oppressed, starved or abused? For me, it stirs my spirit and forces me to see those people with God's eyes, to fall to my knees, pray for them and listen to what God may have me do about it. Only then, do I find his peace again flow over me.
The Bible does say 'do not worry' but no where does it say we should always be at peace.
When it comes to missing the mark for 'so long' it is assumed that this is a regular occurrence. It is not. It was one of those things that I never saw coming because it is not a 'feature' of my life. It was the product of circumstance for all parties involved. And, crikey yes, I would have just gone out just for gelati but it was made clear that this was not even an option because 'other plans' had been made. I would have loved that either back then, today or tomorrow.
Maybe, I was just wrong in expecting adults to be adults. This would mean that 'polite company' would either: a) honour their commitments or b) inform those with whom they are breaking commitments as soon as practicable.
See, another assumption. It was not about whether or not they came to the performance. I was so thrilled when they said yes, because it was so unexpected, that I offered to shout gelati afterwards. It was about spending the time in 'sisterhood' no more, no less. I did not cry about 'what someone said' as I have re-iterated several times - I shut my mouth and took it. Nor did I cry over their disinterest in my artistic interests.
My tears were of hurt that they could not see my very, raw human need to feel the love of my 'flesh and blood' sisters - that they made a choice not to speak love into my life through simply spending time. Yes, a selfish act - to ask someone to give up part of their own lives for me and to even suggest that it could involve something I was interested in (which it never had to involve but did because they originally agreed to do so).
In and beyond this response, which is primarily for the interest of other readers, I raise the issue that you refer to Christ as an 'adopted human child' and 'decent man'. For this reason alone, I will cease this theologically-aligned discussion. For Jesus is the literal Son of God. Yes, son of God and son of man! Anything less is heresy, specifically, adoptionism. Lest, Jesus in his claims would either be a lunatic or a liar.
you are very good at spouting old wisdoms attributed to others aren't you? I admire this talent in people as it makes them much more eficient than those who choose to think and speak for themselves. In regards to the lord, lunatic or liar crap that people keep on and on and on about, i think that he was none of these things. It's just another crazy attempt at logic from the apologists now isn't it? I think any book written a century after the death of someone somewhere else is bound to have some errors in it, and also quite possibly would be written by lunatics and liars. When i attend church, this is what i see more of than those filled with the spirit of the lord. This saddens me some, but then i think, 'hey! crazy people like to cough up the cash! They're one more brick in the wall we as christians are building between the reast of the world and us.'
I hope someday that all heathen assholes will be slaughtered and sent to hellfire where they can burn for eternity for not listening to my nonsensical fairy story about skyman and his ADOPTED child. That's what they deserve!
But let me get back to the lunatic thing. As i am of the mindset that most christians are indeed lunatics, with cash, for my wall, i don't see why they can't always be at peace. I don't see why they get so upset about dirty faggots either. It's all going our way isn't it? The world's going to hell with it's insidious liberal agendas and soon enough Jesus will stride back in with his nuclear weaponry and teach all those blasphemous morons a lesson. I love jesus when he's angry. Nothing sexier than an angry middle eastern Jew. It's the muslims you have to worry about isn't it? Imagine! Dying for a fake god? I mean really now? Really?! That wouldn't happen if they loved Jesus more. Then they'd do it the proper way and take over the world for God through hoarding mass wealth and using it for political influence.
Anyway... I have to go prepare dinner for my husband and tribe of children. Looking forward to your response.
:)
Action: Stop feeding the troll!
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